From Darkness to Healing: Breaking Cycles, Embracing Sobriety, and Reclaiming Life

I was born in Madras, Oregon. I am enrolled in Warmspring, Oregon, but I was raised on the Yakama Reservation from 8 years old. My dad died when I was 4 years old. My mom lost custody of me and my little sister. We went from Oregon to Washington when I was 8. They started whipping us on a regular basis. We were trained in cleaning, cooking, and laundry. I was sexually abused regularly for years by the man of the house. Our mom died when I was 10 years old. We ran away 1 week before I turned 13. Then into Foster care, numerous family homes, jail, and treatment centers until I was 18. My lil sis died when I was 17.

I had an abortion at 18. By then, I was homeless and jobless in Seattle, WA. Finally went back home to Yakama Rez and started smoking coke, then crank, and eventually meth. Then, I lived in my own selfish addiction for 15 years until I sobered up at 35. Sobriety is a whole separate set of challenges, but it is definitely worth the work. When I was 9, I was told no one wanted me. No one wanted to take care of me. No one loved me. I'm nothing. I will never be as good as anyone else. I'm worthless. I'm stupid. How can I be so dumb? What's wrong with you? Today, I have been sober for 8 years. I learned in all seven treatment centers about loving yourself before you can love someone else. When I had my son, he loved me at his birth even though I was smoking dope during pregnancy. I am his mom, and he loved me more than I loved myself. I needed to be sober for him. So, I needed to get out of my own way. Stop trying to relapse and start sobriety work. I want my son to be raised by his mom. How can I, who was raised without parents, let my own son be raised by someone who doesn't love him the way he loves me? That unconditional love.

So I put work into AA, NA, step work, a sponsor, prayer, meetings, sweathouse, longhouse, cultural feast, roots and berries, singing, dancing, canoe journey, Sundance, counseling, and even crystals and herb work. Tarot readers suggested a lot of self-care work, positive self-talk, self-affirmations, ancestor guidance, creator, and ceremony. And I know I love who I am today. I am not perfect or better than anyone. But I am living in healing and not trauma today. Every day is a gift, and I am grateful to be alive and sober. Prayer, women's N.A mag, Wellbriety meeting, sweat house, longhouse, and yoga when I do it.

Sundance, canoe journey, beading, candle work, singing, dancing, laughing with my kids, talking with my kids, and teaching my kids about who we are. I put others first. I think of their feelings and how I can help. I always help during stressful times- funerals, people in the hospital, and my sister-in-law getting a dirty UA. The babies were brought to my house, no questions asked. It has brought up a lot of trauma from my childhood, and today, I don't run from it. I walk through it. Think about it. Pray on it. Let it go. Most of the time, it's a daily thing because kids do the same thing over and over, but I know I'm exactly where I am supposed to be. I'm sober and clear-headed. I will not pass on trauma. I want all my kids to be safe and healthy. That's a lot of growth for me. I also look forward to living a long life instead of waiting to die any day now. If I can do it, anyone can do it. The person I was while using drugs never knew it could be different. I accepted death. We do not have to live like that. No matter how bad it gets, there is always a way out. We deserve to live. We deserve to be ourselves with a clear mind. We deserve to love ourselves. It's possible. It's not easy. But it's possible.

Loni L